The Big Fat...WTF?!

It's weird the things you remember from the day your whole world changed.  How my first kiss was a bit too liberal with his tongue. I remember my first dance and how nervous I was when I pinned his corsage. The feeling of the purple passion warming my stomach the first time I got drunk. The blue mini van with the wood paneling that I drove to get my license.  I know I was sad when my parents left my dorm room, and I was alone. The crisp air and the July breeze blowing in from the Missouri River when he asked. I cried. I said yes.  My dad looking at me in my dress, taking my hand.  The tears. "There's no crying in baseball." The Levity.  That look on his face when the church doors opened.  It said "you look amazing, and I'm so damn lucky!".  The day we got the keys to our first house it was cold and dreary.  When I took the test, my sister called right as I looked at that glorious plus sign. POSITIVE!!  Holy shit, you can't tell him I told you first!! High Five, babe! Our fucking made a baby!  I recall the look on my first born's face when my Dr handed him to me, it said "seriously, what the shit is this!?" I instantly knew I loved him. Looking into my daughters eyes, I swore I would make sure she would know her worth. When I realized I was pregnant...the dread...oh, motherfuck.  We'll get to that shit storm of a day later...

I was wearing the periwinkle blue jeans that I just bought.  Size six.  Triumph!! After two babies, I was looking pretty fucking fabulous.  I was changing my daughter's diaper when he said it.  I remember seeing her tunnel away from me.  I remember thinking. Wait, am I having a flashback?  This must be from all the drugs I did in my teens...did he say that?  No, wait? "What did you just say?" And again, she flew away.  I found her floating around in the air.  I grabbed a wipe, cleaned her up, put a new diaper on.  A green one.  I cloth diaper, and I remember it was green.  I remember hearing him speaking, but it was all Charlie Brown, wah, wah, wa wa wah.  I pulled her pants up, handed my precious two year old to him, and walked from her room directly into the hall and crumbled into a heap on the floor.  I remember thinking, "Seriously?!  You are going to be this cliché?  Your asshat of a spouse just told you he was cheating on you.  Not only that, but that he has been cheating on you for your whole fucking 8 years of marriage with countless whores (this may not have been his exact terminology, but this is my version, so fuck off) and you crumble to the ground?  In a HEAP no less?!  Have some dignity!  GET UP!!!  But alas, I could not.  I was gob smacked.  Yes, so completely, unbelievably shocked that I was on the floor and using a word like gob smacked to describe my gob smackery.  Not sobbing.  Not screaming.  Just in my heapiness, staring at the ground.  I remember he stood there, holding our child, staring at me.  All I could do was think "shit, I need to vacuum more.  This floor is really dirty. " He put said child somewhere.  I still have no recollection of where our three year old was, which is odd, because if you have met said three year old he is not one to make his presence unknown...but I teleported to our bathroom and he walks in. He actually says "So, are you ok?"  Why yes, I'm fucking fabulous.  Thought I'd come take a bath. Maybe shave my legs. Um, really?  REALLY?!  Ok is not even in the same orbit as me right now. Sweet, I actually said that outloud.  Score one for me!! Add some quotes to that shit right there. If you have ever been in this situation, which I sincerely hope you have not, you begin to ask a shit ton of questions you really don't want the answers to. Oh and by the way, you are asking questions from A FUCKING LIAR, so take the initial answers with a grain of salt.  That salt being bullshit. That grain of bullshit being "I needed to tell you and be honest, blah blah," but 4 months later you learn he only told you because this current side dish fuck's husband was going to tell you. And you also learn there are more current side dish fucks.  Like 4 more current side dish fucks. Some of them are your friends. One gem who talked with you while you were pregnant and had just kicked out your cheating cheater, then hugs you and exclaims how happy she is that you two got back together because YOU GUYS ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER! Hahaha, yep.  And hey there sweetie, you don't know it yet, but you are currently pregnant.  Which you find out after your gyno's office calls with the results of you STD test.  Hurrah, no herpies...but you're pregnant!  Weee!

Let's put this shit in the Christmas card bio, because this is your life!