I've got this...but can I throw a tantrum too?

So, today it's been 11 months and one amazingly adorable baby since I found myself in a heap in my hallway.  Many fun tales of triumph and woe will be told here of those 11 months, but this post is about today.

Today I woke up to my alarm.  My alarm?! From the other room.  I shot up and hit my head into the bunk bed.  Like a bad night of tequila shots, slowly the night before came back to me.  At least I know where my car is. I was in my kids room having had to console my two year old to sleep.  We are on week two of their father moving across country, and while we had been separated for five of those eleven months, we had been "reconciling" for the past four.  And by reconciling I mean, I believed he was still cheating, he said he wasn't, eventually he let down his guard enough for me to confirm he was still cheating and unknown to him I am going to divorce him.  You know, the classic love story.  I digress.  Anywho, I fell asleep hugging my sweet two year old who thinks her dad now lives in the computer.  Thanks, Skype!  These babies are confused and scared.  And I'm not going to lie...that part sucks.  It just does. 

So as I navigate my way around barbies and matchbox cars, I suddenly realize my nine week old had been asleep since 9 pm.  After double checking he was still breathing, I was elated.  A full 6 hours of sleep.  A festivus miracle!!  Maybe I will only need one venti red eye today, thank you third born.  You are now the favorite.  Shhhh, don't tell the others.

I shower, no need to shave.  It's fall and I'm getting divorced.  We'll save the shaving for a date.  Or I'll play the ole, don't shave so you don't sleep with him and then you do and you say you won't do that next time but you do, game. Man, I miss dating... I slap on some makeup, throw on one of the five work outfits that fits my post partum ass, and begin to wake the kids.

As those of you with children of the wonderous age of four and two know, it starts off sweet.  Gently rub their back, "wake up sweet girl, time to get ready for school.  Four year old in top bunk, wake up buddy!"  Those beautiful blue green eyes open. Birds churp, mice sing songs...and then the wailing starts "Noooooooooo school!!!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I wanna wear dis skirt!!  IT NOT COLD!! I YIKE MY HAIR TANGLED"  I made a promise to myself, that now that I'm a single mom, I will not be the crazy screaming mom.  So I barter...with donuts.  Yep. I'm kind of a health nut.  I make homemade granola, most things from scratch, no processed foods.  And I got to work with 5 minutes to spare.  Thank you, donuts.  A shot out to high fructose corn syrup! 

After I dropped my spawns at daycare, and I was alone for the 5 minute commute to work, I marveled in my new life.  I've been a true, real deal, no help single mom to a four, two, and nine week old for two weeks.  My husband has no idea that I am aware he is still in the company of at least two side dish fucks.  He has no idea that I am done.  But I know. Yes, it's scary.  Yes, I'm really fucking tired by the end of the day.  Yes, I tear up when my babies cry for their dad, and I know that very soon he will know I'm done.  Split holidays, no family pumpkin patch pictures.  No one can ever convince me that a marriage can truly recover from the horror that is infidelity.  The suspicion, the self loathing, the imagining stabbing your spouse in their sleep.  But I understand why people stay.  I truly do.  I'm just grateful that it only took me four months to see, it was not for me.  I not only deserve more, I will demand it! I'm excited!

I get to sleep with someone new.  Have a first kiss.  Have many.  Be alone.  Eat cereal for dinner.  Watch Real Housewives without someone bitching. Be content. 

I can breathe!  I am free!  But, I do have kids so, I'll never pee alone...